


Hands Off My Bread

by Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Crack, Funny, Humor, Investigations, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 16:36:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6964690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop/pseuds/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek has come upon a new mystery: he's pregnant.</p><p>Now who could the culprit be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands Off My Bread

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beezow_Doo_Doo_Zopittybop_Bop_Bop/gifts).



> just read it.

**derek + stile, a derek and stiles fanfic.**

hi ma name is derek hail, and i am a realy smirt investigater person. dats wut i do for a livin 2 bc ma stripper career didnt quite werk out, lol. so anywayz, 1 day i was doing sum stuff. liek investegating sum crime things idek im not qualified 2 do dis job i just do it lawls butt yeah i wuz investieagating. 

der wuz a MURDER MystERY becauz sum p30p13 got MURDERIZED. WIZ MA BOW. AND MA AXE!!!!! *crack of thunda*

so yeah. i also relized a lil sumthin sumthin bout ma self, wink wink.

i

wuz

MPREGNANT!!!!!!!!11!

dat wuz da second mystory. i wuz a pure virgin girl man i mean. i am a man. MANZ. i has man parts. so da question remanes: who dun it?? who got me PREGNNAT?

obvs dis mysstery wuz WAAAY moar importnant than da murder mystory, so i needed sum bakcup.

back up number uno: stiles. idk his last name cuz i just got dis job donut judge me IM NOT YET QUALIFIED.

back up number deux: scoot. he wuz not a wizard, he wuz just scoot.

back up number drei (dats jewish for 3): ma neighber ben and his annying sun jackson frum got7.

dis brings meh 2 da suspects (both 4 da murderz and da mpreg!!!)

susp#1: styles. dats rite. STYLES.

sups#2: scoot. scott is susp af, hmmm?

susp#3: betcha thot i wuz gonna say neighbor ben,didn't cha? well u b rite him and jackson frum got7 are alzo susp.

so dat wuz ma mission. to find out da mpregger and mayb da murdere if i found tiem lol. ma three buddis (and jackson fron got7) wood surely b der 2 helps!!

 

***

 

"ben ben ben ben ben ben ben ben," styles i mean ben sed.

"stahp in da name of justice!" i replyed. ben was soooooo annoying smh i b bout to blame him just so he go 2 jale lol who cares if he actually murderd at least dat gets rid ov 1 ov ma problesm.

"Oi small fry, u under da arrest!" said a popo, biting in2 a donut. cuz dats all popo do. arerst peeps and eat donuuuts.

"aw man ya cot meh~~!!" ben SCREAMED.

k well now dat dats dealed dun wid, lets fined out da utter mystory: "whitch 1 ov u fuckbois got meh mpregged, mmm??" i sed, puttin a hand on ma hip liek a sssassy cowgurl.

"twas me," sed scoot and stiless at DA SAME TIME OMG WUUUUT I WAS gETTING BUSY WID BOTH OV DEM?? AT DA SAMe timE!

"no," stiles answered ma thots wow he cann red minDs! "it really wuz just me, gee boi, cuz ily <3 bby cum here!! hug me!"

scooter be liek, "he rite, butt if u b wid me, i gotta bag ov tastey hamburgerz in da back ov ma white pedo van, just 4 u bby<<<<3"

i wuz confliceted. who do i go wid? ma bby's daddie, or da man wid da tastey burgersz?

 

*****A/N: YOU DECIDE SQUidWARD! if you want derk 2 stay with his baby daddy, read after the ~KYA~ symbol! if you want him to chase those juicy hamburgers, read normally*****

 

(continued normal reading/option 2)

u iz wrung reader i wood NEVR IN MA LYFE abandanon da second half of ma OTP! SCREW U!!!!!1!!1

 

(~KYA~/Option 1)

"DAM U cooter U NO Im ON A DIET HOW CULD U!!!" dereck i mean me sed 2 scott, throwin a baby whale at his face.

"cum on, derbear, lets ried away in da sun!" stoiles cryed. "bbaby i know i havent always been da best fuckboi, and ill probs loose our bby wen u births itte, butt i;ll try, bby. ill try 2 chang 4 u bby, i can change i sware."

"STFU _STILES_ im going int0 lab0r!!!" i SCREAMEDDD!!!

i gave birf. to a hotdogg bun. i thut 4 sure it woulda been a chkicken nugget, but nope man it wuz 4sureizies a bun. no doubt bout dat.

"let's named it jakcsun frum got7." sugtgestsed ma new husbanda/fuckboi stoileszes.

"ew no wut r u a kpoopper?" i screched. "were naming it rawrXD cuz its a scene bun. nizzles!~~~"

sudenlee tho a eagle (murican bald 1 wth we in englend) swooped n and beak snatched rawrXD da bby bun frum me hand. wtf dat wuz ma bby bun knot da eagles! dum ol murica.

"dam i wanted to eat it!" i admiteed oops.

"gurl bye if u aint got da bby no moar nuttin iz holdin me 2 ya!" stilze luahged. 

haha it wuz kind ov funnie.

stiles jumped. into a warphole. he ded lol.

dats it.

dats ma storie.

da story of derk hailmaster. da fuckboi whom lived.

~~KYA!!~~

 

**Author's Note:**

> there u read it.


End file.
